Have you ever noticed that someone you care about doesn't seem quite themselves, but you've hesitated to ask if they're okay?
Perhaps they've seemed quieter than usual, a little withdrawn or not quite as engaged as they normally are. You want to check in, but you're worried about saying the wrong thing or making the situation worse.
I think many of us have been there.
We don't avoid these conversations because we don't care. We avoid them because we're scared of getting it wrong.
But here's what I teach: you don't need the perfect words. You just need to start.
Watch the video below or continue reading:
1. Notice What You've Observed
A good place to begin is with something you've noticed.
You might say, “You've seemed a bit flat the last couple of weeks.”
It's simple, honest and based on what you've observed rather than an assumption about how the person is feeling.
You don't need to diagnose what's happening or make sense of everything before you speak up. You're simply letting someone know you've noticed a change and that you care enough to ask about it.
The important thing is to approach the conversation with kindness and curiosity, rather than judgement.
2. Ask, Then Give Them Space
Once you've opened the conversation, ask a question.
“How are you actually going?”
Then wait.
This is often the part we find hardest. We're uncomfortable with silence, so we rush to fill it. We offer suggestions, share our own experiences or try to reassure the person before they've had a chance to explain what's happening.
But sometimes, the silence after that question is where the real answer begins to emerge.
Give them time to think. Let them find their words. Don't feel you need to fill every pause.
You might not get an immediate answer, and that's okay. The fact that you've asked and shown that you're willing to listen can help make it easier for them to talk when they're ready.
3. Listen More Than You Talk
When someone starts sharing something difficult, our instinct is often to fix it.
We want to offer advice, find a solution or reassure them that everything will be okay.
But not every difficult conversation needs an immediate solution.
Sometimes, people simply need to feel heard first.
Try to listen without interrupting or rushing to offer advice. You don't need to have an answer for everything, and you don't need to make their feelings disappear.
You can acknowledge what they're telling you and ask whether they'd like to talk more about it.
Remember, listening isn't about finding the perfect response. It's about giving someone the space to be honest about what they're experiencing.
4. Connect Them With the Next Step
Sometimes, a conversation will reveal that someone needs more support than you can provide on your own.
And that's okay.
Your job isn't to become their counsellor. It's to help them take the next step.
Depending on their situation, that might mean offering to sit with them while they contact their GP, reach out to their Employee Assistance Program (EAP) or contact a support service.
You could say, “Would it help if I sat with you while we make that call?”
That small offer can make reaching out feel less overwhelming.
You don't have to take responsibility for solving everything. You can support someone while helping them connect with people who have the right expertise to assist.
If you believe someone is in immediate danger, seek urgent professional assistance rather than trying to manage the situation alone.
You Don't Need to Get Every Word Right
I want us to become more comfortable having these conversations, both at work and in our communities.
It's easy to think we need special training or the perfect words before we can check in on someone. But often, the most important thing is being willing to notice, ask and listen.
You might feel awkward. You might not know exactly what to say next. The conversation might not unfold as you expected.
That's all right.
You don't need to have all the answers. You just need to be willing to start, listen without judgement and help someone find support when they need it.
So, the next time you notice someone doesn't seem quite themselves, consider taking that first step.
Notice. Ask. Listen. Connect.
You never know how much it might mean to someone to know that you've noticed and that you're willing to listen.