Christmas can be a wonderful time of year, filled with connection, celebration and familiar traditions. But when someone you love is missing, it can also be one of the hardest times to navigate.
I know this from personal experience.
After I lost my son, I dreaded Christmas for years. The carols playing in the supermarket, the well-meaning questions about what I was doing for Christmas, and the constant reminders that this was supposed to be the happiest time of year could feel overwhelming.
Everything seemed to be telling me to be happy when I was barely holding on.
If you've experienced grief, you might recognise that feeling. The world keeps moving, the celebrations continue, and yet you're carrying a loss that changes how everything feels.
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When the World Expects You to Be Happy
One of the difficult things about Christmas is the expectation that everyone should feel festive.
We're surrounded by messages about family, togetherness and making memories. For many people, that's a lovely part of the season. But when you're grieving, those same things can remind you of who's missing.
It might be an empty chair at the table, a familiar tradition that no longer feels the same, or a simple question from someone who doesn't realise how much it hurts.
Often, people mean well. They may not know what to say, or they might assume that keeping things cheerful is the best way to help.
But grief doesn't follow a calendar, and it doesn't disappear because it's Christmas.
You can appreciate the people around you and still feel the absence of someone you love. You can join in with a celebration and still wish things were different.
You don't have to choose between those feelings.
Giving Yourself Permission to Do Christmas Differently
For me, what helped wasn't pretending everything was okay.
It was giving myself permission to do Christmas differently.
That meant shorter visits when I didn't have the energy to stay longer. It meant taking a walk on my own when I needed some space. And it meant saying out loud that I was missing my son, rather than waiting for someone else to mention his name.
These might seem like small things, but they helped me make room for my grief instead of trying to hide it.
If Christmas is difficult for you this year, perhaps you can give yourself that same permission.
You don't have to attend every gathering or keep every tradition. You can change your plans, take breaks and decide what feels manageable for you.
You might want to talk about the person you're missing. You might prefer some quiet time. You might experience moments of laughter alongside moments of sadness.
There's no single right way to get through the season.
The important thing is to give yourself permission to do what you need, rather than trying to meet everyone else's expectations.
You Don't Have to Feel Festive to Deserve Care
I want you to remember this: you don't have to feel festive to deserve care.
If you're struggling, you don't need to put on a brave face or make your experience more comfortable for everyone else.
You don't have to make Christmas look good.
Some years, getting through the day is enough. Some years, you might find moments of joy. And some years, the sadness might feel closer to the surface than you'd like.
All of those experiences deserve compassion.
Try to notice what you need, whether that's a little more rest, a conversation with someone who understands, or permission to step away when things feel overwhelming.
And if you can, let someone you trust know how you're feeling. You don't have to carry everything on your own.
If You're Doing Okay, Look Around the Table
There's something else I'd like us to remember.
If Christmas is feeling manageable for you this year, take a moment to look around the table.
Someone there might be carrying more than they're showing.
They might be grieving a partner, a parent, a child or a friend. They might be navigating a difficult family situation or facing their first Christmas after a significant loss.
They may be joining in with the celebrations while quietly wishing things were different.
You don't need to fix their grief or find the perfect words.
Sometimes, a quiet, “I know this might be a tough one for you,” is enough.
You can say their loved one's name. You can ask if they'd like to talk. You can offer to sit with them for a while, without expecting them to feel better afterwards.
And if they don't want to talk, that's okay too.
Being present doesn't mean having all the answers. It means allowing someone to be where they are without asking them to pretend.
Make Room for What You're Feeling
Christmas may bring difficult moments, but you don't have to navigate them by pretending you're fine.
You can change your plans. You can make space for memories. You can step outside when you need a break. You can let someone know that you're missing the person who isn't there.
And if someone around you is struggling, you can offer kindness without trying to make everything better.
After losing my son, I learned that getting through Christmas didn't mean finding a way to make the grief disappear. It meant learning to give myself permission to experience the season differently.
So, if this year is hard for you, please be gentle with yourself.
You don't have to feel festive. You don't have to make it look good. You're allowed to just get through it.
Sometimes, that's enough.